PENNY: You'll never believe what happened to me at work.
This old guy was choking on his food and I saved his life.
LEONARD: Did you Heimlich him?
No, I said, "I think that old guy's choking."
Then one of the busboys Heimlich'd him.
You're a hero.
Yeah, that was the point of the story.
Do you know if you have Thursday night off?
Uh, I think so, why?
Why? It's Valentine's Day.
Oh, right. Yeah, we can do something.
- You could be a little more into it. - I'm into it, I'm into it.
There's pressure to make the night special and it never works out.
Well, this time it's gonna be different because I'm like a romance ninja. Heh.
You don't see it coming and then... Bam! Romance! Watch out! Hearts, kisses, love!
Ooh! Ya!
Sometimes I think I've made you cooler than you used to be...
...then you go and do that.
So in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt...
...after passing a meal of spicy chilies is proof...
...that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.
AMY: I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine's Day?
SHELDON: Oh, you caught that, did you?
Okay.
Okay. Okay!
Okay.
Everything okay?
Bernie's a little cranky since she's been working, like, 17 hours a day.
I've got a lot on my plate too. I've been busting my tail playing "Assassin's Creed."
Stuart, you got anything going on for Valentine's Day?
Not really, other than hiding all the sharp objects around here...
...and white-knuckling it till morning.
What do you got going on?
I was gonna spend the night with my special little lady...
...but she got worms and then I had to take her to the vet.
There must be something we can do.
Uh, how about, uh, you keep the store open late...
...and we throw a party for people who don't have dates?
That actually sounds kind of nice.
The theme will be that the greatest love a man can have is love he has with himself.
That's good...
...or maybe something a little less hand-in-the-pants.
Oh. Alex, excellent.
I have a research problem that I believe you can help with.
Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you.
I've been waiting for an opportunity to contribute to your scientific work.
Oh, no, that's not gonna happen. No.
What I need you to do is find a Valentine's gift for my girlfriend.
I passed up an opportunity to work at Fermilab to take this job with you.
Well, I guess those chaps will have to have someone else buy their girlfriends presents.
Now, here is... Oh, let's see... This is...
This is about $2000.
Um, I think she likes monkeys and the color gray.
Contribute to my work. Heh.
Ah, kids say the darndest things.
- Hey, you coming to lunch? - Yeah, one second.
- I wanna show you something. - What?
I was trying to come up with something really romantic to give Bernadette...
...for Valentine's Day since she's been such a pain in the ass.
You can't find a card that says that?
Check it out. I used the atomic-force microscope in the materials-science lab...
...and wrote our initials in a heart one one-thousandth the size of a grain of sand.
Oh, that's cool.
A micro-Valentine for a microbiologist. Heh.
From her micro-husband.
That is amazing. How long did this take you?
Ah, about 12 hours. I pulled an all-nighter. Heh.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, I know, it really took a bite out of my video-game time.
What are you and Penny doing?
I'm gonna take her to a nice restaurant for dinner.
That's not bad, but as far as romance goes, I think my gift hits it right out of the...
(GLASS SHATTERS)
- Wanna come to dinner with us? - Yes, please.
Okay, uh, Amy will be here shortly expecting the perfect Valentine's gift.
So you're up, kid, dazzle me, go.
Okay, I think I have some great choices.
I went on Amy's Facebook page and read her interests...
See? I never would've thought to do that.
Clearly I made a good choice farming this out to you.
I'm telling you, Amy hit the boyfriend jackpot.
Anyway...
...my socks are on. Let's knock them off.
Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp...
...so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favorite songs.
Now, Amy already has a real harp...
...and it can play any song.
What are you trying to pull here?
- No, it's just I thought... - Next.
Okay, um, I know she's a fan of The Canterbury Tales...
Mm.
...so I found this cool map that illustrates the characters' journey through England.
We could put it in a really nice frame.
But she's got Google Maps on her phone.
I don't know how to respond to that.
I hope it's with a third good option because these first two: Blah.
Okay, well, uh, luckily I saved the best for last.
Since Amy's a neuroscientist, I did some research...
...found out that Santiago Ramón y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience...
...did lots of hand drawings of brain cells.
And I managed to find this signed print.
Wow.
Oh, this is truly remarkable.
- Thank you. - I think I'll keep it for myself.
- What about your girlfriend? - Too late, I called dibs.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING AND SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
This place is really beautiful.
Wah. Romance ninja.
(PENNY LAUGHS)
PENNY: Hey.
- Sorry we're late. - Hey.
No problem. We just sat down.
- Mm. Would you like some wine? - Fill her up.
I'll tell you when to stop.
Is everything okay?
Terrific. Couldn't be better.
Oh, bite me.
We can still have a nice night. Just tell me where it is.
If you did what you said you were gonna do, I'd tell you.
- Uh, where what is? - She hid my Xbox like I'm a child.
My mom got me that for my birthday, so if you don't give it back, I'm telling.
I've been working late every night. All I asked was he clean the apartment...
...and do one load of laundry. Did he? No.
He kept on playing that stupid game.
You like pushing buttons so much, try pushing them on the washing machine.
- I said I'm sorry. - Sorry doesn't clean my underpants, buddy.
I told you. Turn them inside out.
And I told you to bite me.
Trying to have a magical night here, guys.
- Oh, son of a bitch. - What?
- Nothing. Nothing. - No, tell me.
It's just this guy I used to date.
LEONARD: Oh.
Until he cheated on me with my friend Gretchen, who's here with him.
- You're kidding. - And it looks like she lost a lot of weight.
Damn it.
I know it's not ideal, but don't let them ruin our night.
No, you're totally right. She could be skinny because she's dying.
That's the spirit.
Screw them. Our night's gonna be way more special than theirs.
(PENNY CHUCKLES)
Uh-oh.
What?
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
- Oh, my God! Yes! Of course I'll marry you! - Ha, ha.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
Two can play this game. Penny...
- Get up. - All right.
Nice that the people who are lonely on Valentine's Day...
...can come here tonight and be together.
Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
In fact, there's no place I'd rather be than here.
- Except on a date with anybody. - Literally anybody.
You and I have so much fun hanging out.
If you were a girl, all of our problems would be solved.
What?
Think about it. We'd hang out, we'd read comic books, we'd see movies.
It'd be like the best relationship ever.
- It does sound nice. - Then I'd take you home...
...slip off your little, black dress and pile-drive you into oblivion.
What?
I can't believe he's gonna marry the girl he cheated on me with.
Isn't it kind of nice?
He was with the wrong person. Now he found the right person.
So I'm the wrong person? Maybe you wanna be with Gretchen too.
They do look happy.
Yeah, maybe tonight.
But a year from now, he'll be crawling under the sink looking for his Xbox.
Well, he will.
Why don't we just forget about them and enjoy our Valentine's Day?
Yes, absolutely.
(PENNY CLEARS THROAT)
Heh. Now they're doing that phony, link-arm-drink thingy.
I totally taught him that.
- I thought we were letting it go. - We were. It's just not fair, okay?
They're bad people.
Not supposed to end happy for them, it's supposed to end happy for me.
Um, it did end happy for you. You're here with me.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
This is getting hard to not take personally.
- Come on. Don't make this about you. - I'm not. It's about you.
Yeah, whatever. I told you Valentine's Day sucks.
- This one does, and you're the reason why. - What?
Compared to them, I'm feeling pretty good about us.
Me too. How about we blow off dessert, go home early? I'll do that laundry.
Thank you.
- I love you. - Love you too.
- So where'd you hide it? - Where you'd never look.
Damn it, it's in the washing machine.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Happy Valentine's Day. - Okay.
- Shall we go to dinner? - Hang on.
As you know, I had planned a traditional evening...
...of romance and gifts.
Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it.
I've been working on this facial expression all day.
And I appreciate your effort...
...but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish.
So I canceled our dinner reservations...
...and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine's Day.
- What is that? - By doing none of it.
No dinner, no romance, no gifts.
We stay here, order a pizza...
...and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things.
Really?
That's what you'd love, isn't it?
More than anything.
Well, then, that's what we're gonna do.
Well, I don't know what to say.
This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone's ever given me.
And that's including an amazing gift I gave myself earlier today.
I'm your girlfriend, that's my job.
I know gift-giving puts pressure on you so whatever you got me, you can return.
No.
After everything you didn't do for me tonight, I want you to have it.
- What's this? - Read it.
"Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information"?
At the bottom.
"In case of emergency, please contact Amy Farrah Fowler."
And there's my phone number.
This is the most beautiful gift you could've ever given me.
I thought if I have a stroke or a kidney stone...
...who would I want to share that with?
And you picked me.
- It's like you said, you're my girlfriend. - Oh, Sheldon.
Okay, stop ruining Valentine's Day and order my pizza.
- Night. - Yep.
(DOOR CLOSES)
You know what?
That was pretty crappy of you.
All I wanted to do was give you a great night...
...and it's like you went out of your way to destroy it.
- Yep. I know. I'm a total bitch. - I'm not saying that.
- Well, I am. - Fine, you win, you're a bitch.
Why couldn't we just have a nice time?
I don't know.
Maybe because things are going so well between us lately and I've been happy.
Okay, you're gonna have to make a lot more sense than that.
Obviously, I have some commitment issues.
- Glaringly obvious. Go on. - As long as things keep going great...
...you'll keep asking me to marry you. Eventually, I'll end up saying yes.
Then we're gonna be married forever and the whole thing just freaks me out.
Okay.
I know I propose a lot.
So how about this?
I promise I will never ask you to marry me again.
What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?
No. No, no, no.
But if someday, you decide you wanna get married...
...you have to propose to me.
- Really? - Yes.
It's all on you.
But when the time comes, I want the whole nine yards.
I want you down on one knee, flowers. I wanna be swept off my feet.
Yeah, you got it.
And I'm cool with surprises, but nothing on a Jumbotron.
I don't wanna cry on a big screen like that.
Okay.
You know what?
This might be the wine talking, but I have an important question to ask you.
You do?
Leonard Hofstadter?
Yes?
Will you be my Valentine?
Sorry, maybe next year.
I'm just kidding! Romance ninja! Let's have sex! Wah!
Thank you, guys, for doing this.
We're glad you could make it.
Usually, I spend Valentine's Day sad and alone. This year, I'm just sad.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
What is it about this holiday that makes people so unhappy?
I know. I hate myself most of the time, but tonight's the night I know...
...everyone else does too.
I think you're cool.
Great.
I gotta tell you. We've gotta stop beating ourselves up like this.
Excuse me, everybody. Can I have your attention, please?
We're all here tonight because we have no one to be with.
But that doesn't make us mutants.
The only mutants here are in these comic books.
We gotta stop defining our self-worth by whether or not we're in a relationship.
You know what I see when I look around?
I see a room full of great people.
So let's give ourselves a break. We are a community.
And as long as we have each other, we're never truly alone.
That was cool, what you said.
- You really think so? - Yeah, I do.
Thank you.
Uh, would you like to, uh, get a cup of coffee?
Okay.
Later, losers!
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Another medical emergency? What's wrong with him now?
I seriously doubt he was bitten by a Chinese bird spider.
How exactly does a bump feel Asian?
Put him on the phone.
Sheldon, I'm not driving over there again.
Because I drove over there yesterday for a brain tumor...
...that turned out to be an ice-cream headache.
Yes, I still want to be your emergency contact.
Yes, you can eat your ice cream too fast and also have a brain tumor.
I'm on my way.
Brain tumor would explain a lot.